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The Most Common Egyptian Mental Disorders!

Posted by admin on February 28, 2011

Schizophrenia
Mental disorders are “health conditions which are characterized by alteration in mood, behavior, or thinking (or a combination) associated with distress. This is the common description of the mental disorders. All mental disorders have explanations and treatments, this if the people suffering from the mental problems are humans, cough, (non-Egyptians)!
Valentinoia
This is the most serious health problem facing Egyptian people today. It is widely common for men age 15-40. The first time you talk to a dude in his teenage, he would try to convince you that he has dated 70% of girls in Egypt. But, he did not find Ms. Right! All girls are dull and none can go along with his great mentality. The Valentino Dude has slept with ladies all over the word, he takes 2 days to feel satisfied, and sluts always describe him as “Superman of Sex”! He is always happy, talking so loud while he is narrating his mythologies. He has never been tricked, and he is clever than Azazil in tempting ladies to commit adultery. Calling him “Valentino” would please him for days, unless you are mocking him. You should treat him carefully, shake your head like you are listening to holy talks, and always let him feel that you believe him!
Treatment: Looking in the mirror once in lifetime!
Megalomania
Hitler, Stalin, and all the greats have suffered from this disorder. But, here, in Egypt, you might find someone who could not graduate from “Ma3had La-Selky” A.k.A “Wireless Institute” and acting like he has liberated Jerusalem. Their refrain “Dude, you do not know who I am, so do not mess with me”?
The cause of this disorder differentiates from someone to another. Some of them sing in the toilet and act like rock stars! Some of them are doing drama in font of the mirror like they are on the stage performing one of Shakespeare’s plays and act like Kevin Spacey.
Treatment: One Nape Slap!
Schizophrenia
The most interesting guys alive! I bet that at least 80% of Egyptians are suffering from this problem. You cannot define any Egyptian. At the first sight you might think the one you are dealing with is a devil. Then, you realize how good he is. They are good when they are happy, bad when they are suffering. And as they are always suffering, so you will always find them devils!
Do not judge when you deal with a schizophrenic, because you will always change your consideration in a minute. You will advise people that he is good, while he is not! So, you better keep your mouth shut!
Treatment: N/A!
Smartonia
They understand in everything, simply “betoo3 kollo”. They will always tell you what do in every single matter/occasion. They are technicians, doctors and relationship geniuses. They know about everything and their recommendations are inherited superstitions.
You should not listen to what they say, because you will regret! Just let them feel like they have been useful, even if they are not.
Treatment: Thank you for the advice!
Carelessonia
This is more likely to be a quality more than a disorder. Our people might result in a physical defect, then do not even apologize. They are always careless about how you feel and the quality has been extended to include them themselves.
Life is getting worse, so what? I have lost my job, so what? I will die in few days, so what? They are careless because they do not live on the planet! They live in their dreams and they never wake up!
Treatment: Life is beautiful!
3arbagonia
People suffering from this healthy problem always have a special attribute; they either play Kung-Fu or know how to use a cold steel! They believe they can fly like a bird, they believe in their inner power and the day will come to bring out all these indivisible skills to seize the world! They love their instructor more than their mom, and to get the picture clearer their instructor is like Splinter “Al-mo3lem Rashdan” in Ninja Turtles.
They are always on fire, looking in their eyes directly would be considered as an insult! They love killing insects by their naked hands –assassins- , throwing bricks at dogs to find comfort. Punching people in their faces is like eating power-ups in video games. At this point, you should know one fact; they have never won a fight and you can kick their asses easily! Just avoid them when you are happy, because they will ruin your life for a moment with their squeals!
Treatment: Do not pay attention!
Melokhonia
“Asl ana 3andy sha3ra”, this is the most suitable quote to describe those guys. They are happy, angry, depressed and confused in the same time. This problem is very common among females. They will love you one day, hate you the next day, the day after they are ready to sacrifice their souls to please you. They are like LINK ADSL Modem LED power, never stable! In one hour date, you can feel heat, love, hate, and whatever. Relax while you are dealing with these patients. Do not ever look at them in anger, or they would hate you for 2.5 minutes!
Treatment: I am fine, I am fine!
Reversonia
You are Ahlawy, then I am Zamlkawy. All people around are Egyptians, my grandmother of my grandfather was Turkish. All Egyptians are Muslims and Christians, DAMN YOU! I am Buddhist! In this manner, I am unique.
Those patients spend their life in reverse. Their worst nightmare is being normal, just like anyone around. They will take your beliefs and reverse it to be different from you. They always seek independence but they never find it. They are having serious problems in dealing with others. They always argue even if they are wrong. Your beliefs do not make sense, while theirs are ALRIGHT. But, when they go to sleep, they know that they have been mistaken all the day, but they never confess.
Treatment: Switch your mouth to (Silent Mode).
Betteronia
I am better than you! Your PC monitor is Sony, you know that BenQ is better. Oh, Your monitor is BenQ too?! DAMN! I have brought mine 2 years ago while all the components were Korean, but yours must be Chinese even if the label says that it is “Made in Korea”!
Those guys always have better items than all people they know. Whatever you have, they are having better. They always think of you as a jerk, and too easy to be tricked because you are not experienced enough to buy items.
Treatment: You are the best!
Depression
High prices, low rates, cancers, hepatitis, drought, hunger, and homeless, and you do not want to feel depressed?! Everything around you is blur, you future is overcast and you want to feel happy? For sure you cannot. You are losing the people you love because of human interventions, and because lack of morality. And you do not want to suffer from depression? They sell our souls in return of cheap price. According to their measures, we are nil.
People cannot endure their lives. They escape from these tough conditions to their imaginations, they survive in their illusions. Although all these bad conditions, they live and love. They are facing their destiny like Dickens’ protagonists. Happiness? This is a momentary feeling that might come once in lifetime. They are in lack of resources and the facilities to live in peace, they are laughing loudly and joking though. They could go along with all these solid circumstances and they did not give up.
I am quite sure that all the mental disorders we have is due the conditions we live in. Count all the mental -personal- problems I have tackled in this article and search for a reason. You will always find that it is all about “ESCAPING FROM REALITY!”. Our people really deserve a prize for finding the way out to escape and survive.
Treatment: keep up!

Eighteen Plus Magazine
May 2009

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